Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
