i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
