GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
True strength comes from lack of pants
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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