Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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