four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
