Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
