I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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