My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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