I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
