proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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