I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
