yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
