OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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