I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
