I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
honey bunches of taint.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
