Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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