I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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