I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
