so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My balls are so social today.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
