i think i have herpe
just one?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
