so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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