All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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