so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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