When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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