even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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