I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
