I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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