you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
