I wish my penis had an off switch
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
