Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I cockslap morals
even my farts smell like vagina
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
