You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
