My liver just broke up with me...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
