Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
