Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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