I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
