Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
