he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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