Jerry, you need to find god
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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