From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
