Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
