Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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