I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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