Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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