I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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