Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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