If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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