Sorry, I don't speak sober.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize