You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
