I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
