Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
