It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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