I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Randomize
