Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
