i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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