New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize