I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
