your parents love me but you hate me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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