I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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