i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She told me I should be a condom model.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I love you. Go after that dick
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
