When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
