wrigley field is MILF paradise
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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