Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
